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Any thing you find around
Tracey Emailed me this
I am told its genuine
I have been passed a large selection from two of the membership
you know who you are!
Don't upset her when she's driving
A married
couple is driving along a highway doing a steady
60
miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across
at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years,
but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps
looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to
65
mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a
far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly
increases the speed to
75 He
pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to
80. "I
want the car, too," he continues.
85
mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the
boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him
nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and
Work Smart
These men are installing and setting solid steel pillars in concrete to
stop vehicles from parking on the pavement outside a sports bar.
They are cleaning up at the end of the day.......
How long do
you think it will take them to realize where THEIR vehicle is parked???
be careful what you wish for!
A man walks into a bar with
a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks
up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and
sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small
piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and
pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by
Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic
lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a
beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one
wish ~ each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million
bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and
they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little
deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'
'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch
pianist?
Irish Farmer
An Irish
farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what
happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into
the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted.
'Just
answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into
the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your
Honour, I am tryingto establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after
the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the
solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to
say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as
I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into
the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer
came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into
one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and
didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked
at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the
eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*** would you have said?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
some oldie but goodies
I went to see
a friend with her new baby last night; she asked me if I wanted to wind it.
I
thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave it a Dead-Leg
*****
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
*****
Man
goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
*****
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
*****
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My
dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he
picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
*****
'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'
*****
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
*****
So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
*****
So I
got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
*****
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
*****
So I
rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
*****
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are
5 people in my family, so it must be one of
them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
*****
So I
was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And
then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted
again.'
And I swerved again.
He
rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
*****
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I
thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me,
'Mr
Cooper,
get out of the filing cabinet.'
*****
So I
was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'
I said
'Sure ................ you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
*****
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
'Does this taste funny to you?'
*****
Police
arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
*****
You
know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They
left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
*****
A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
*****
A man
walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm several places'
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'
*****
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
*****
I went
to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
Couldn’t find any.
*****
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
*****
Two
blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.
*****
Phone answering machine message -
'...If
you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash
key…’
*****
I
went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
I couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
*****
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
*****
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The
doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
*****
I
went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
*****
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They
lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all
that
you can't have your kayak and heat it.
*****
Our ice
cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
*****
Two
fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'
*****
Ireland
's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish
search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
These were posted
on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the
website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour
__________________________________________________
Q:
Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, how do the plants grow? (
UK ).
A:
We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q:
Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (
USA
)
A:
Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q:
I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (
Sweden )
A:
Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q:
Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? (
UK
)
A:
What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q:
Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (
USA
)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.
Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q:
Which direction is North in Australia ? (
USA
)
A:
Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll
send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q:
Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (
UK
)
A:
Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q:
Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA
)
A:
Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is .
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q:
Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (
UK
)
A:
You are a British politician, right?
____________________________ ______________________
Q:
Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (
Germany
)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
rattlesnake serum. (
USA
)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (
USA
)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (
USA
)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male popula tion? (
Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (
France
)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA
)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (
USA
)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0
to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct
slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and
jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled
many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5
and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
· NBA 5.0,
·
NFL 3.0 and
·
Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation
8.0 no longer
runs, and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system.
· Please
note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR
DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· & nbsp; Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html
and try to download Tears 6.2 and do
not forget to install the
Guilt 3.0
update.
· If
that application works as designed, Husband1.0
should then automatically run the applications
Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3..5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5,
Happy Hour 7.0 or
Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1
is a very bad program that will download the Farting
and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do,
DO NOT under any circumstances installs
Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the
Boyfriend 5.0-program these are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband
1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great
program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications
quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and
performance. We recommend
· Cooking
3.0 and
·
Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck Babe!
Tech Support
|
George Carlin on
age.
(Absolutely Brilliant)
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR
LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS IM DOING AND SEND IT ON.
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited
about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never
thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the
key
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the
next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey,
you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You
become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21
YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you
sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun
now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you
REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50
and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT
lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into
the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!' May you all make it to a healthy
100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out
nonessential numbers.
This includes age, weight
and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay
'them.'
2. Keep only
cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning.
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let
the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop'
And the devil's name is
Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple
things.
5. Laugh
often, long and loud. Laugh
until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen.
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire
life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself
with what you love
,
whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your
health: If it is
good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what
you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt
trips. Take a
trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT
to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people
you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS
REMEMBER
:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments
that take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But
do share this with
someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!
|
There's a little bit of magic in every thing,
and a some loss to even things out.
\\||//
KevinScott -(@ @)-
----------------oOo--(_)-oOo------------------
www.keleven.co.uk
P
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H & D MCC
